One Year

I was going through my old blog posts and realized that it has been one year since Keith lost his job and our crazy journey began. This past year has been the hardest of my life.

After Keith lost his job, we went through a lot of highs and lows, but for the most part it felt like mostly lows. Regardless, we kept our eyes on God. We continued to tithe, and found ways to serve in the church.

In July, Satan attacked us and hit us real hard. Somehow Keith and I both allowed him enough room into our individual lives, that by July 31, Keith and I separated. And by separated, I mean we were living in separate homes and looking into visitation times for our girls.

Even though the separation was not fun, we now feel it was greatly needed. Keith dove much deeper into his relationship with God, and it got him super motivated to get a job, which God provided! Two weeks after leaving, I returned back to the house, and three weeks after that, on September 6, we renewed our wedding vows.

God has really showed us how He uses each situation for good. My marriage, with continued work, is better than it ever has been. Keith's job is helping to propel us into our next phase of preparing for the planting of Intersection Church. We have learned just how important it really is to tithe, no matter what, and trust that He is in control and will take care of you.

Refreshing

Tomorrow is finally the day...Keith and I are getting our first, very much needed, rest and relaxation and break from the kids. We will be gone two days. Two whole days to relax and soak in God's love for us.

Will you pray for us?

God, I just ask that you help us take advantage of this time. Allow our hearts to be broken and healed, allow our minds and body's to get the full amount of rest needed. Please just show us and remind us why you put us here. Show us the direction you want us to take and tasks you have for us. God, thank you for this opportunity. In Jesus' name, Amen

Caring

Some days, I just don't understand why God bothers with me. I know I screw up....often. So why would He waste His time? His time is very precious. There are others out there more deserving.

If the ones who raised me, never seemed to care much, why would He? I want to make things right before I see Him face to face, but if I don't get a chance...these are some of the questions I am going to ask Him.

Boxing Ring

I've been in this ring for what feels like an eternity. Sometimes I get within reaching distance of the ropes, but for some reason, I let my guard down, and get sucked back in.

I am determined now. I will NOT let him win. No, wait. This fight has already been won.

No more mind games. He will not trick me any more.

Wait. What is that sound? It's so strange. Could it be...cheering? People are cheering for ME? I have never felt like this before.

I feel energized and renewed. I am ready to fight, but this time....I have the advantage.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"It feels like I have lost this fight
They think that I am staying down
But I 'm not giving up tonight
Tonight the wall is coming down
I am stronger than my fears
This is the mountain that I climb
Got 100 steps to go
Tonight I'll make it 99...."

"I have everything to lose
By not getting up to fight
I might bet used to giving up
So I am showing up tonight
I am my own enemy
The battle fought within my mind
If I can over come step one
I can face the 99...."

Healings

MATTHEW 9:22: Jesus turned and saw her. "Take heart, daughter," he said, "your faith has healed you." And the woman was healed from that moment.

God showed me this scripture a week ago and He hasn't let it slip my mind one day since. This woman had a blood disease for 12 years! But she had faith to be healed if she touched Jesus' hem. And because of her faith she was healed!!

I have felt like God has been trying to show me somewhere in my life where, if I have faith, I will be healed. I think I have been getting pretty good at trusting Him with our finances. It's been almost 9 months of living off of unemployment and faith that God will provide extra finances just so we can live. And by now, I must say, it's become pretty easy to ask God and give it all over to Him to provide. So, what area was he showing me now that I needed to have faith with. God has been showing me the past few days of where my faith needs to improve:

He has been opening my eyes up more and more to personal issues I have never resolved, just shoved further and further down. Things from my past that I have carried with me and these things are now effecting the relationship with my children and even relationships with others around me. This is becoming really scary for me. I am scared to see what He is going to show me, but I am extremely excited to get to the other side.

With this scripture and this line from a song from Fireflight: "Sometimes it's hard to just keep going, but faith is moving without knowing. Forget the fear it's just a crutch that tries to hold you back and turn your dreams to dust. All you need to do is just TRUST" I am ready, only with God's help, to defeat Satan. Satan will no longer be allowed to take a hold of any part of my life.

This Harvest Cry thing....

We could all pray for the best outcome, but after seeing only a portion of the outcome for Harvest Cry, only God knew that this was going to be more than just "another event".

I volunteered to help out in the Children Center wing most nights of the event. I was really excited when I signed up and then of course Satan had to try to creep in. But you know, I feel so blessed just to know that some of the parents dropping off their children have the peace of mind that their child is safe so they can focus on getting saved or taking that next step with Christ. It is so amazing.

When I have a chance I want to post about what God is showing me today, but today isn't quite over, so I'm going to wait on that. I'm sure after another crazy and awesome night at Harvest Cry, He just may have more to show me!

And one more thing....it is so awesome to be around such humbling people. People that know this isn't about us, it's about the unsaved. People willing to sacrifice everything they have for others to know Him. I have never seen anything like this before. I'm so glad that this even has NOTHING to do with us...it's not just some event thing...It's a cry for Jesus' people. And the awesome thing...is that His people are crying for Him!!!

So much Praise!

I feel like I do a pretty decent job at thanking God for what He has done in my life. Especially for the daily things, lately. But today was just the best.

I am so happy to announce that God provided us with side jobs so that we could pay our mortgage payment on time today which caught us back up! We are no longer on a payment schedule. This saves us $200 a month! Praise God!

We are one step towards getting back on track with our finances.

Even with Keith being out of work for 8 months, we continued to tithe faithfully, and devout more time to His Kingdom. We definitely know this is a reward/blessing.

Plans

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Even when things seem pointless or really tough, God has a plan and a use for it all.

I love how a friend of mine told me that she would go through all the rough spots in her life all over again as long as it still helped someone else. Wow! She knew, without a shadow of a doubt, that God used her times for someone else to be healed. And now what she went through was part of God's plan for her as well. She is so much more mature and closer with Jesus.

I want to be like that.

Sweat and Tears

I've always heard people say that if you do the same thing you will never get different results. And I've finally gotten to the point in my life where I have had to listen to it, and take it in.

I've prayed and prayed and asked God for things. I know God wants to bless us. He gave his son just so we could live and be free, why wouldn't he want to give us other things? But it's kind of like us blessing our children. If we just give them what they want and they don't always have to work for it, like being rewarded, why would they want to do good things to make us proud? God wants the same from us, as we are His children.

So instead of praying and asking God "Please give me the perfect body" or "please give us more money" or "Please fix my marriage", ask and act. Ask God, spill your heart to God but also take it on yourself to act on it as well.

I have taken this on myself lately. Instead of complaining about how I hate my body and I wish this and I wish that, I have decided to start exercising daily. It isn't always fun, but I should be taking care of the body God gave me, anyway. And after the first week of being sore, I started taking this more seriously and started watching what I was eating.

Don't just ask God for a job, search and search hard. Tell God what your heart is.

Don't just ask God for your marriage to get better, but take steps to being kind to your spouse. Show them and God how much you love them.

Don't just ask God for healthy body and family, but eat healthy.

The more you show God how passionate and serious you are about what you want, God would gladly give it to you. Especially if it is even more encouraging for His kingdom.

Desperation

I'm so frustrated with life right now. It seems like we were finally seeing the light at the end and now we've been thrown back down the flight of stairs again. We took a financial class about a month ago and we were so thrilled that with our tax return we were able to put away money for our baby step one and work on our debt snowball. Well, that didn't last long.

I can't figure out why, but we're getting behind on things again! We had to use some of our "emergency fund" just to make our mortgage payment. It killed me to have to do that! We thought we would sell my car, get a "beater" car and use the money for knocking down our debt. Well, we haven't gotten one single inquire about it! I've been told our home is the talk of the office, it's getting so many calls for showings. Then why doesn't any one put an offer in! No one has even given us any negativity on it, so I can't fix what they might not like! And of course the struggle for a job and getting income that way is still frustrating.

I don't know how many times I can take crying to God for help in this situation. It feels like it's just becoming over bearing. I hate living like this. I want to get into a place of financial peace and bless others! I don't want to worry about if we can pay all the bills this month or if we have enough for milk or food. I don't want my children to have to have state funded health insurance because we're so poor!

Oh, and I forgot to add about stupid car inspections! It's a 2007, it shouldn't need to get inspected! Grr! Why does the government think we have all this money to shell out?

GOD, IF YOU'RE LISTENING, PLEASE HELP GET US OUT OF HERE! I'm desperate.

I am DEFINITELY feeling the butterflies

I haven't slept well the past few weeks. Can you tell? It's after 11pm and I'm posting a blog! I want to be sleeping right now! But I can't seem to get a blog out of my mind, and I think I'm realizing why:

Someone I have recently started looking up to posted a blog about feeling the butterflies. Basically, he realized he kinda became "bored", in a sense, with his walk. He realized that God was leading him somewhere for His purpose. An uncomfortable zone that God often puts us to stretch us and use us for what He wants.

With everything that has happened since October (read past blogs if you are not familiar) I realized just how comfortable I was with life. Everyday I had a routine with my girls while my hubby brought in the dough. I have come to put my trust in God and not be so stressed with how bills will get paid and where we will get food. And now, I'm comfortable with that. Ugh...can't I just get a little comfortable, please?

I was okay with the recent decision to move, until this past week. I could not figure out why I was not sleeping, why I am sick, why I feel so miserable all day!!! And finally, when I opened up my ears long enough, He told me: "I need you to trust me with this move. It's for MY kingdom, not for you to be comfortable. I want you to stretch yourself and learn more".

I heard it so many times that this is the perfect time to move, and start fresh. It's all pulling together and I have a stomach FULL of butterflies!!! I'd like to think they will go away soon, but I know He'll have another plan for us.

Wedding Bells

I am starting to hear more and more accounts of marriages falling apart because of the economy. Spouses are getting extremely angry at their spouse because they got laid off, something way beyond their control. Through this difficult time, I am so thankful.

When I think back to how Keith and I were 6 months into our marriage and where we are now, I am truly blessed. If we would not have gotten the counseling and found Jesus, there is no way that we would have made it; especially through a time like this.

This "economic" situation, as the world calls it (I prefer Satan's attack), has brought Keith and I so much closer together. It has been teaching us to trust in each other more than ever before, console in each other more, even be more open and honest about anything and everything than we have ever done.

I don't mean to boast. But when I see what is happening to other marriages, it breaks my heart. Such awesome couples are becoming victims and fearful instead of looking to each other, and most of all....GOD! He is the only one that is going to help us get through this time. God, please help us speak to these people so their marriages can be saved in YOUR NAME!

Feels like forever

It's been awhile since we've posted anything. Keith saw my past two blogs and was wondering what in the world was I thinking! But to be honest, I've been able to hear God more lately while worshiping Him through songs. So I posted the songs that I've been hearing Him the most.

The toughest part of our situation has been being patient. I have never been fond of patience. To me, I always saw it as a "bad four letter word". Make sense? Anyway, God's been helping me to learn how to patiently wait on Him. I need to do my part in being faithful to Him, but I can't make things happen. Only He can when He feels it is the best time. It's like my daughter constantly asking for a car. She is by no means ready or mature enough to handle a car. But with her patience and taking the time to grow and become responsible, she will eventually be ready for that car.

I'm sure some of you have been wondering about the "latest" in our situation. Well here it is: we are moving. Now relax, it's nothing too drastic. We are going to be moving closer towards Gettysburg so that we can be more involved in a church planting. We feel God is calling us to step up more as leaders. So in two weeks we will be putting our home up for sale and looking for a place to rent. It is such an exciting and scary time! For the first time in my life I am going to live in an area where I won't know the roads or how to get to a grocery store! There are going to be a lot of things to learn and get used to! But the thing that just covers it all up and makes it okay, is knowing that God is about to do such awesome things. Not just in our lives but in others as well. So many people are going to come meet Jesus for the first time and that makes it all worthwhile!

Simple

While I'm waiting,
I will serve you while I'm waiting,
I will worship while I'm waiting...

Breathe You In

Taking hold, breaking in
The pressures on, need to circulate
Mesmerized and taken in
Moving slow, so it reasonates
It's time to rest, not to sleep away
My thoughts alone, try to complicate
I'll do my best, to seek you out
And be myself, not impersonate

Tried so hard to not walk away
And when things don't go my way
I'll still carry on and on just the same

I've always been strong
But can't make this happen
'Cause I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
The fear of becoming
I'm so tired of running
And I need to breathe, I want to breathe you in
I want to breathe you in

I'm going in, so cover me
Your compass will, help me turn the page
The laughing stock I'll never be
Because I won't let them take me

Took awhile to see all the love that's around me
Through the highs and lows there's a truth that I've known
And it's You


**TFK***

Chains and Freedom

This past week has been so challenging and yet freeing.

We have been taking a financial class in order to properly take care of God's blessings in the future. Part of the session talked about getting rid of credit cards and eliminating debt. This came along with us trying to pay our mortgage payment, too. Needless to say, it was very stressful. By midweek, right before making all the big financial decisions, we decided to take the first step in eliminating debt: we cut up ALL of our credit cards. It was so freeing knowing that we are already telling the credit card companies that we will not be held down by them. We are choosing to trust in God and His abundance, not some worldly company that just wants to "take, take and take" from us.

Overall, I've been really impressed and thankful to God with how we've been able to trust Him during this difficult time. It's been so hard to see how little amount of money is coming in and how much money has to go out so we can stay on top of things. But we've continued to be faithful to God and He has been providing for us. But, the past two days, I've started to get frustrated and upset that we are still trying to fight through this situation. I'm sick of struggling and trying to not worry about the money situation. This would be so much easier if we had a consistent job and income coming in.

God, I just want to thank you for everything you have done for us and providing for us. I also thank you for the trials and blessings you have ahead of us. Lord, I just ask that you provide the jobs and income, and soon. =-) God, I so desperately want to use this situation to help others. I want other people, believers or not, to see that you do bless and take care of those who continue to be faithful to you. Thank you for this season. Thank you for showing us areas to grow personally and spiritually. I love you, God. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Twas the best of times, twas the worst of times...

This was the worst and best Valentine's Day I have EVER had. Let me explain:

Our church held a Valentine's Day event which we volunteered to help out. We were so excited about it! I woke up this morning, couldn't get my hair to go right (don't want to hear it, guys), my girls weren't listening to me and they were in bad moods, my hubby and I just couldn't get on the same wave length...it goes on and on and on. The day just kept getting worse and by 3pm we both had had enough! We were so frustrated with each other and with the day. We were going to stay for the service that night but just wanted to go home.

My oldest daughter wanted to stay for service, badly. It was a bitter sweet thing. We knew we should stay, so we did. After the girls getting a very very tiny nap, and Keith and I deciding to let go of everything, forgive and move on, and we went back to church.

Can I just say, that when you ask for God's help and you stop letting Satan defeat you, it is such an amazing feeling!! The rest of our evening was unbelievable. The service was so awesome and encouraging. We are so excited about the next step God has given to us.

Please pray with us that God will continue to provide us with provision and the continued finances needed to "stay alive". I can truly see what God is starting to lay out for us! So exciting!!! Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day!

Realization

I awaken to the sound of the girls yelling at each other and playing in their bedroom. Keith rolls out of bed to hop in the shower. I slowly roll over, trying to stay covered, and peal my eyes open to see the clock. 7:23am. ...sigh... Yesterday I was already working by this time. The realization really kicks in that I didn't have to wake up, before the sun, to prepare for another day at work. It wasn't the best job, but it was something. It was a routine. That routine has been broken again.

Although I am a little bummed about it, my spirits are surprisingly high. I think Keith is a little worried about me. =-) But after the past week of doing tattoos and more people coming to me for prices and just generally talking about them, I have nothing to be concerned about. With the lay off, I am actually more available to cater to people's schedules for tattoos. And Andrea and Kairi are of course stoked that mom was home this morning. The expression of surprise on Kairi's face was priceless.

We're still looking for something for Keith. And if I have to, I will work another job to get us by. It's not a big deal. We know that God is on our side and He'll provide...just like He has been. If we've made it this far, we'll make it even farther. I am refusing to let Satan get us down. He's got nothing on me now!

Lessons

Well, this past week was somewhat disappointing. I had two interviews, with the same company, only to find out that they chose someone else for the position. This was a really good job and a really good opportunity for me to get into the medical field. My hubby has yet to hear anything back from the places he's applied to. The job market is really tough out there right now!

But I think I'm finally starting to understand why we haven't been able to get past this hump. It has nothing to do with God not doing his job or that we have done something so wrong that He is ignoring us. I will be honest, there were times when I thought we were going through this because we must have really screwed up. And also times when I felt like I was screaming at the top of my lungs while God just turned His ear from me. But after spending some more time in His presence this past weekend I think I'm finally hearing His voice again and starting to understand this all...maybe at least a little...maybe.

God uses every situation for good, right? He gives us trials and makes us struggle sometimes to teach us lessons, right? And of course, He won't ever give us something more than what we can handle, right? Well, I'm sure there's going to be a situation in the future where God is going to have us cross paths with someone who may be going through a similar situation as we are now. Going through this now will help us be able to minister to those people. Score! I also have always hated the "p" word: patience. I have never been very patient. God has been working with me on this patience thing for awhile now, but I really think I'm starting to get it. It's been extremely difficult to "give it all to Him" in certain situations. And I really think He's been waiting for me to finally give it all up. I have no control over this situation, only He does. When He feels like we're ready for the next step, whether it's harder or easier, He'll do it. Not us. We can only do so much to change our circumstances. God's got control of the rest.

And sometimes I think He wants to test us in how faithful and close we'll continue to walk with Him through situations. Keith and I were talking about our situation last night. I always thought that when I got into a tough spot, that I would handle it like a champ. Keith always thought that he would be a complete basket case. Well, guess what? We're in this situation, and our attitudes are the opposite of what we thought. Keith's been so strong through this and really faithful. I've been struggling so much. I've wanted this to be over so quickly and felt like I deserved for it to be over. But, whether God feels I deserve it or not, He wants to see just how faithful we are and how close we'll really walk with him through this, in order to bless us later.

Okay, well I guess I'm done venting...for now. I hope that this will eventually help someone with what they're going through. A good friend once told me that if she had to go through all her rough times again just to help someone else out, she would. Now I know what she means. I would go through this all over just know it's helping someone else. My word to you: Continue to be faithful and walk with the Lord. He'll get you through this. And in His timing, He'll bless you so tremendously. It'll all be worth it in the end! It will get used for good! You CAN do it, no matter how hard it may seem right now!

Our Life In A Boat

Picture this, if you will:

You decide to make changes in your life and journey on a new adventure (your journey is mostly in a boat to get from your old destination to your new life). As you set see you encounter a storm. Just as you think it's going to get worse, the storm almost blows you overboard. You don't think you'll survive. Finally, from what seems like an eternity, the storm ends. But you're not at shore yet. You're just floating on the water, in your boat, no land in site. Out of nowhere, God drops a whole bunch of different looking oars onto your boat. It's up to you decide which oars you want, which will determine which direction your boat will take you to your new destination.

This is exactly how the past 3 months have been for us. We had so many "disappointing" things happen to us. It felt like our boat was tipping and we were not going to make it. Then the storm stopped. There was absolutely nothing going on, good or bad. And now in the past week, the oars have dropped. It may sound easy to choose which oars of life you want, but it has been extremely difficult. Last week I got a call to start a temporary position. I took it, only because we need the money. Keith has two interviews lined up and possibly a third on the way. I got a call Friday for an interview at a fantastic place. So what's so hard about this, right?

One of the opportunities Keith has is to be a welder four hours away from where we currently are. But, God has big plans for us this year, so we're not sure if He wants us to start a new life out there. His other job opportunities are in our current area. My job opportunity is in our area as well.

We really thought we had this thing figured out. As of yesterday, we really thought God wanted us to stay here. Which was great news. There's lots of opportunities for us here, and we're already established. But after one of Keith's interviews today...we're confused again. After a lot of deliberation, it seems like our decision will be based off of my interview. If I get this job, we're staying. If I don't, we're starting a new life in a new area.

Pray with us that God will help us. We just need some kind of peace and guidance in this situation. My headache just keeps getting worse thinking about it...I will miss everyone so much...but I do look forward to meeting new people.

Oh, one other thing I should add to this mix, is I've been doing a decent amount of tattoos lately and have others lined up. I just need prayer that this will keep going and I truly feel like a new ministry will flourish out of it.

A new job awaits!!

This is actually Keith (Ash's Husband), and I just wanted to let the people know that I will be applying to the WORLDS GREATEST JOB. That is if the web site isn't busy one of these times, (Apparently the worlds best job is a little popular with the ....... well the world!) this job entails sitting on a beach in Australia, observing the Great Barrier Reef, as well as blogging and speaking about your experience........ Nice! I would love to do that, the qualifications for this position are 1. you must be alive... 2. Must enjoy being outdoors..... 3. Like the water/ocean.... 4. Can't be afraid of public speaking. That's about it and I can say "Check" on each of those. The way I see it is if you don't apply and try for it, then you don't stand a chance anyway so why not.... I serve a big God and if this is going to happen it will have to be a God thing.
Happy hunting and god bless.

Reflecting and Moving Forward

Looking back to 2008, it was a roller coaster ride of a year. Some of the great things that happened were in between lots of trials. Towards the end of the year I constantly felt like I was in a boxing ring and just as I was standing back up I was getting knocked back down only harder. I can gladly say I am glad it is over.

I am really excited to see what God has planned for us this year. We were just talking the other day about preparing for the next step in our walk with Him. We're both laid off, bad news right? Wrong. God has given us a perfect opportunity to start making better changes. It's like we have a fresh start. Where do we want this year to take us? We know we definitely have got to move closer to church. We both want to be more involved with the marriage ministry and other callings. I, personally, am super excited about my tattooing. I've gotten two under my belt so far, and I'm so excited to express God's love through art on all the people He's lined up for me! We want this year to be one of the years where we take a gigantic step in our faith walk. We're giving it all to Him!

And even though it's only the fourth, I've already learned this: Never, EVER, put goldfish in the same vase, no matter the size, with your flowers. Fish do not like flowers...sorry girls...we'll get you new ones!

Verse I'm reading that has inspired me today: Joshua 3:1-13. It all so easily has been interpreted into what we're going through.